Halfway. Checkpoint.

stairs-1888232_640 Now that you’re half-way, how do you feel about your progress?

Today was the official half-way point, the end of month 3. In three months I missed 2 workouts, added more than 10 pounds of muscle, dropped x inches, added at least 10 pounds to my bench, 30 pounds to my deadlift, and constructed a passable squat. I also have perplexed and aggravated my coach at least once.

It makes me happy to drive him to think.

The question on the table is how do I feel?

Today I felt complicated. A conversation with my dad yesterday set up an awful night’s half-sleep after a blech-effort workout. I will no longer be talking to my dad on lifting days. I feel like I should be getting better, faster. Like I’m not bringing everything to bear on the lifts, cheating myself by slacking, cheating myself by talking too much, not doing more weight, all the exercises, better quality reps. Today was a stop thinking or cry kind of day. I started to cry a few times but it didn’t work out. Stepping into the garage has to be like stepping onto my mat, a space where everything stops and my energy creates a bubble of protection. My safe place.

There’s just too much going on. Too many transitions and terminations. What kind of job do I want? What population? What do I want to do? What am I going to do? Am I enough? Who is going to want me? My current half-joke is I can always go back to teaching swim lessons and my dad said “We would think we would want more after all this,” which always pisses me off. Teaching swim lessons involves teaching a complex set of skill progressions at developmentally appropriate levels in a hazardous environment. It’s not my fault the world thinks any half-baked sixteen-year-old can do it well and be happy making $8.25 an hour. Goodness knows, I’ve made a thousand grievous errors while teaching and by the grace of God no one has died.

But that was not really the question.

Maybe it was just a polite, non-question, like “What are your plans for the weekend?”

I feel fine. The plan is solid. We will execute on the plan, check, and adjust.



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